I’d like to thank the troll on the previous post for giving me the motivation to post again so soon. This one’s for you, buddy.

So when we last left our insipid heroine, she was locked in an F-grade horror film- I mean basement, and the door mysteriously locked itself. Now I’ve recovered from laughing, let’s move on.

Rose continues on in Dead Before Credits tradition by calling out “is someone mucking about?” Come on, lady. Don’t you know that’s like the ringtone on the Grim Reaper’s pager? True to form, as soon as she moves past some dummies, one moves with an incredibly loud squeak. Alerted, she turns, and the Auton peeks out of the shadows. It’s probably just me here, but does anyone else mentally hear the Auton speak with the voice of that Scottish guy from The IT Crowd when it leans over?

“Hullo there!”

Rose is determined… to be a blonde body statistic of the movie’s villain, it seems, as she continues to spout classic lines blondes inevitably loose in this situation, including old chestnuts “You got me, very funny” and “Right, I got the joke”.

“Who’s idea was this, then? Was it Derek’s?” Oh please God, Doctor, PLEASE appear and save us from pointless references to characters we’ll never see, let alone care about. The Autons start surrounding her, with Rose insistent on getting every blonde cliché in the book into this scene by tripping over backwards. Luckily RTD has at least some sense in not having her scrabble away on the floor like the thousands of her predecessors have done since the dawn of the slasher movie. No, instead she begins getting up, and teleports about a foot away. Why does she not use this power of bad editing to escape? Maybe she can’t teleport through walls or something.

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I’ve been humming and ha-ing about posting this for over two weeks now. Although I’m only a few minutes into the episode, I’ve already written over 1500 words. At that rate, it’ll take forever. So, I’m going to post what I have so far, and then if there’s enough of a response to it, I’ll continue on. Please, if you want to see more, leave a comment. I won’t know otherwise.

Now though, the post:

Russell T Davies: Bond Villain

Ah, Russell T Davies. What can you say about him? He’s possibly the most controversial behind-the-scenes figure in Doctor Who history. On the one hand, he took a long dead TV series and turned it into one of the BBC’s biggest hitters. On the other, he writes stories that, while appearing to be perfectly good stories on the surface, completely fall apart when given any level of scrutiny. Then factor in Doctor-worship, his story-trumps-rules approach or convoluted finales to add to the list of weaknesses. Hell, let’s not even talk about his overuse of gay or bisexual characters to make a Star Trek-esque statement on acceptance of different sexual orientations. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a noble goal, but when almost every story has a male or female character mention in passing they have a partner of the same gender, it gets extremely irritating.

But, what of the early days?

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You people…

You people and your fast computers… It’s just perfect for you, ISN’T IT?! Runs like a dream… No worries… But you don’t know, man! You weren’t there!

You weren’t there…

Y’know, I wish someone else would review these games. I really do. As I mentioned in City of the Daleks, my 2005 laptop just isn’t built to handle a 2010 game. So, I have to sit through the opening titles for three minutes (I timed it), because it advances frame by frame every other second. I have to sit in total silence, watching the opening credits in ultra-slow-mo, for three full minutes. That may not seem like a long time to you, but trust me, it’s an eternity.

But no, it’s up to me and my craptacular PC to enter hell once more.

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Okay, hands up who actually wanted to read Random Thoughts Episode II?

Didn’t think so.

So what does that leave me with?

Nothing. Sod all.

I mean, there’s a pilot for a running column (actually based on Doctor Who, SHOCK HORROR) in the works, but it’s nowhere near ready.

Okay, I’ll just have to fill in the release slot previously taken by RT2 with something else. No biggy.

So, uh…

What is there to do in the meantime?

It’s the day I’ve been waiting for all my life, and I’m fast running out of breath. As the town begins to shrink into the horizon behind me, nettles camouflaged in the long grass sting and scrape at my legs. I don’t care. Beside me, it’s been only a few minutes since I first met him, but we already have a bond that can’t be put into words…

I skid to a halt, and he looks up at me questioningly. I don’t see the look, my eyes are firmly pinned on what lies dead ahead. It stares back, two small beady eyes sitting above gleaming fangs. I turn to him. It’s been only a few minutes. Already he knows. I point at what lies ahead as it suddenly leaps at me.

“Go! CHARMANDER!”

Part One: On Pokemon Red

Aw, yeah.

Yep, I’ve been going back to the game that defined my childhood. I bet you thought this was going to be some sort of Brokeback Mountain deal, didn’t you, you perverted sicko?

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